Epic FAIL

I'm not going to lie to you. Today was a complete and total failure. And I hate myself for it.

I completely botched my audition. And it wasn't just any audition--it was an audition that could have 'put me on the map'.

I always do this to myself--self sabotage, self doubt--which is the kiss of death for any actor.

After driving over two hours, I show up nearly an hour and fifteen minutes early at the audition. During this time and over the course of my journey up there, I repeat the lines over and over again until my head hurt. That doesn't matter because I'm happy I know my lines. And I'm confident of this. So I wait out my time in the car until about fifteen minutes before I had to be there. And as I'm walking in, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks out. Strike one. I check in, sit quietly on the couch, awaiting my turn. In walks another attractive, skinny blonde. Strike two. I'm getting more anxious, nervous, and self-conscious. Finally, they call me in. And I think "get it together". And then--disaster.

The mini-monologue I memorized was all of the sudden a blur. I ask to start over. And as soon as I uttered these words, I knew the audition was over.

I might as well never showed up.

I ALWAYS do this to myself. Makes me question whether or not I really have what it takes to be an actor. Logistically, no. Why? Because--more than anything--acting requires self confidence. And that's just something I don't have.

I hope I'll recover from this. This is the SECOND major casting I've botched in the last few months. And I'm hoping to God that it can somehow be fixed or repaired. Maybe I'll be able to grow self confident? Maybe the casting directors will have forgotten who I was, so that the next time I see them--if there is a next time, God willing--they will forget the bumbling idiot they had in their office...

I've said to much. And yet, not enough. I'm so disgusted with myself. I just don't know what to do. Do I quit or keep going? THAT is the question.